I'll get what I want, if I believe I can do it.

It's not even something difficult to achieve, anyone can, so why not me?

All this time I was thinking I wasn't worth as much, because no one could see what I was worth. But I'm worth it, if any dork can achieve my goal then I can achieve my goal. and I will.

Eventually, if not today, then later, but eventually I will.

Just watch me do it.

I guess I usually take things out of porportion, but this time, I don't.

It's just... there's something about you, that makes me think you might be the one.

Just might.

That's why it's so hard for me to let it go, I think there might be a thing called love at first sight.

Something happened when you first turned around and looked at me with your kind brown eyes,

my stomache felt funny.

What a weird feeling.

It's about the same.

You, I don't know what to say anymore.

I don't need to say anything.

I'm falling out of love with you while I'm falling into him.

All I ever wanted was someone I could call when I'm lonely.

These things seem so easy to achieve,

to anyone but me.

So the only time I find myself here, in this situation, is whenever I feel shitty.

Sometimes I disappear for a while, sometimes for a long while, but I always come back.

I always do.

It's like,

all I wait for, is the day when this blog becomes useless.

The day I'll have the guts to delete all of it, my whole past, these whole 5 years I've been writing here.

Five years. Geez.

That's some respectable amount of grief for an average person like me.

So why am I here? Because I came back from the army, and I came back to reality, when everyone has a shoulder to lean on, everyone has someone's chest to dive into, everyone has someone that makes them fall into sleep with a smile on their faces, not tears.

damn.

Just when you think the sky is finally getting clearer, they get dark again. Not the night kind of dark, when you can see the clouds, the moon, the stars. No, not that kind of dark, where you can find little comfort. The sky is like a haze, grey, dark, gloomy, swallowing every shred of star in them, sucking the moon and clouds into the dark haze. And it all happens so fast,

it all happens so fast.

One moment, you're smiling, or at least starting to, the next thing you know, tears are streaming down your face, and you try, you try so hard, to choke on them, to make them go away, to swallow them inside, but when you do, it feels so bad. You make that kind of impression that you never cry, you're never ever sad, you're always smiling, happy, even when you're just being sarcastic, you do it with humor. And people like you, they cry because they miss their boyfriend or girlfriend, they cry because they miss mommy, they have something to miss, because that thing they miss exist, and is waiting for them the minute they come home. But me? I miss someone, who doesn't even exist.

I thought it just fades away, and there isn't a day when I don't think of her, but I don't let it show, it's just, suddenly, once in a while, it just bursts outside, and I can't stop myself, and I can't let it show, so I just, go far away, cry my eyes out, wipe the tears away, force myself into a smile, and go back on track.

Wishing that one of these days, I won't have to go on and on and on like this.

That I will be set free again.
 

Maybe being far away from you, will keep me alive.

but it doesn't.

I was walking through the night, on the way I stopped in the market, bought a single cigarette. Marlboro light.

I was walking and thinking, loving you and hating you, feeling angry but so sad, thinking, I should have taken the red Marlboro, I should have filled my brain with smoke, instead of thoughts, but there was no use. You were still there, as if someone engraved your name there. It haunts me like a ghost. Even when I think it's beginning to fade, it all comes back to me in the night, during the single hours I should sleep, and when I finally fall asleep, you follow me into my dreams, like a freaking ghost who just won't let go until it achieved its goal. And what's your goal anyway? You've already made me want to jump into a tumutuolous road, you've already made me want to jump into the firing zone.

And why is that? You don't deserve to be engraved in me.

When I was younger, high-school younger, I always talked about new beginnings and... other crap.

I look back now and I see, such a different kind of new beginning than the one I'm experiencing now. Back then a new beginning was more of a promise to myself, a promise to be a better person, take my studies more seriously, focusing on my future only, being single and independent of others. But that was back then, and by younger it seems like I've been talking about ages ago, but no, it wasn't long ago, but at this age, anything can happen, every day, you change, you grow up, you see things so differently. And now, instead of forcing myself into a new beginning, life forces me into a new beginning, and I should start over, but I'm simply not strong enough, so... I guess the country does it for me, thank you for that.

I mean... it was so hard to let go, she wrote a break-up letter, I got stuck around somewhere, walking as if sleepwalking, in circles, while the other world spinned madly on, further from me.

And now I got the guts to finally write everything down to her, with a dedication. I just, spilled everything to her. I said, fuck it, I'm going to tell her I will never see her again and spill my heart, because I will never see her again. I guess it's her assumption that I'm that... kind of girl, who likes... girls. I don't know yet, I know I love her, isn't that enough? I want to be friends with her, but I know this will affect our friendship, when the time comes eventually. Well, future no longer seems of any importance, she definitely taught me how to live through the day, live like there is no tomorrow. If I didn't love her, I wouldn't have changed so much, but she changed me, from the moment she caught my eyes, from the moment she laid her lips on mine. I fell madly in love with her, and it wasn't like I could help it. She was irresistible to me, in a very odd way.

I don't care what others say, I KNOW she cares about me, that means so much to me, part of my agony is the fact I know that for a change someone believes in me and loves me as a person, and cares about me, and I'm just gonna throw that all away because of lingering feelings. But it's the right thing, because the lingering feelings aren't insignificant, they're so strong, they... can tear my whole world apart, they consist of a huge period in my life I just never seem to get enough of. I always say, one more kiss, that's it. And when she gives me that kiss, it only leaves me wanting more, more badly than I wanted it before.

God, I'm going to miss you, I miss you already.

I thought I needed you to make me strong through this new... adventure of mine.

But these words, they cut through bone.

They cut through bone.

They... made me stronger, although.

They made me stronger, and the broke me into tears.

I will never let you go, I think.

Maybe I will.

In a ridiculous way, you gave me the strength to start letting you go, the rest is up to me.

In my wildest dreams
you never existed.
Sometimes the dreams that come true
are the ones you never even knew you had.

I never thought I'd year for someone
as much as I yearn for you.
You weren't part of the plan
I never saw you coming into my life

I knew there would be love
but the source was unpredictable
You were so unpredictable

I can't believe I fell for you
I can't believe I fell so hard
So hard I'd give up my other dreams
And you, I didn't even know you exist.

and now you just vanished.

damn.

At this point, relationships come and go.

Most of the friends you have never tell you the truth in your face.

I have one friend, we don't see each other every day.

We didn't promise each other we'd keep in touch forever.

But it just happened, we stayed in touch, and I know that even though she's not constantly around, she's just there.

So, what's the loss of a spose, in comparison to the loss of true friendship?

I've never been the best friend kind of material, but something just feels right, knowing you have this one person you can always go to when you need a shoulder.

Each new period in your life brings within it new people, friends, relationships, but when someone's a true friend, you just know it.

I can't believe I'm trusting someone.

I only trust her.

Fuck you.

I had to let it out.

I hate you.

Not because you hurt me on purpose.

Because you're my biggest weakness.

Every time I told myself, I won't go back with you.

And each time I fell into your web, of lies, yeah, I said it.

On one hand you're saying you want me to hate you, on the other hand you try to put yourself under this kind light of a truthfull, faithfull, honest person.

I thought you were the most honest person in the world, and maybe you are.

I find myself protecting you all the time, and why? You don't deserve it. I have no reason to protect you, you give me no reason to, because I thought you were my friend, but apparantly you aren't.

but to me you weren't.

And I hate to think that even though I'm aware of the damage you've cause me, if you were here now, I wouldn't be able to resist you. Maybe. I hope it's not true.

And it's not true that I don't need someone to get over you, the other way, I need you to stay away, and everyone else.

To just back off.

So I can know who I am.

Because you took most of me with you.